Suddenly Single=Suddenly Slimmer

Sheesh. I feel bad about abandoning this blog. I haven't stopped thinking about my weight or food, even once, though.

I am now single.

It was my decision but I feel TERRIBLE about it. I love the guy but we just fight way too much and it's not healthy.

But, neither is my eating since the breakup. It's only been a few days but my thoughts about my body have gone from "oh I suck" to "oh i suck and now I'm single and MUST LOSE WEIGHT or no one will ever date me again." I know both thought processes are wrong but I must admit, it's nice to be on my own. I've stopped eating like a damn man. Except for today which is the real reason I was tempted to update. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

I must admit, running on 400 calories yesterday felt SO GOOD. As I went to the liquor store (ugh, I know, I know but whatever. I'm 24 living with my goddamn parents ONLY because I'm in school but stillllllllllllllllll it sucks after moving out at 18 and being on own until now) I was sucking in my stomach because my shirt was kinda tight but it wasn't so tight that I felt weird about it. Like, ugh. It's so hard to describe. The shirt was tight but my stomach wasn't bloated from food even though it's "that time" of the month so I felt SO THIN eventhough I'm not. I was so empowered by not eating...like FUCK YOU WORLD I'M GOING TO BE THIN. You ladies can dig me. I can totally see how restricting becomes addictive. And you know, the only reason I don't do it more often is because I've read all the websites. I've read all the health books. I think about my future and I want to do this the right way. And by this I mean losing weight. So, after my parents made me some dinner, instead of throwing up like I really wanted to, I went to the gym instead. I went so HARD on the exercise equipment. And, it really only motivates me more when a FAT FAT FAT chick gets on right next to me. It's like extra motivation. OH MAN I love it. I'm such an asshole. Whatever. I wish I wasn't intimidated by the stupid weight lifting dudes to go over there to use the machines I want to use to do weight training, otherwise my weight loss would happen faster.

I'm a little drunk right now. I'm sorry. I'm ranting. And feeling SUPER FAT right now. Yesterday was incredible.

I want to restrict and go to the gym.

I always say when I become single that I'm going to focus on myself and get the body I've always wanted but then a guy comes along and then the process repeats itself. I need to be thin.

110 in 2010!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

New Home

So I decided to move from thoughts.com to here. I don't really know why I went with thoughts.com to begin with being as I have had this blog space for quite a while. I deleted all of my old posts(on here) and I'm starting a new.

My Mom's cookies are calling me into the kitchen. I'm trying so hard to say no. I might just give in...

I had a good long talk with my boyfriend about my body issues and I do feel better but I still feel like I need to lose weight. I told him I want to be 110 pounds and he said "okay." I don't really think he grasps what that weight would be on me. But, it's almost like he doesn't think I can do it. Or maybe he does and I'm just making shit up. We'll see. I just want to see BONES.